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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in asoniel's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 14th, 2014
11:16 am
when it rains...
So...yeah. Nothing good has happened since I last updated. Jason's Dad's funeral is on Thursday this week with a viewing Wednesday night. Looking forward to it like...well...like going to a funeral. There's really no comparison.
I received a love letter in the mail from Allen County Courts. I guess Lutheran Hospital is going ahead with the garnishment of my wages. Miss two payments and they're on you. I'm going to be even more poor! I didn't know that was possible, but look at me now.
Also found out that the last two guys who I was trying to date, who both said "I just don't know how much time I'm going to have", have BOTH declared to be in new and shiny relationships in the past two days with other people. I fucking hate liars.
So, yeah...not feeling so hot right now. I saw a perfect quote the other day that said "The bible says God will not give you more than what you can handle. God must think I'm a bad-ass". Pretty much sums it up.
Had a doctor's appointment this morning. We're not going to mess with the medz I'm on. They're doing their job, I guess. I'm not cutting myself or anything. But, (sorry if this is TMI...) I have an infection in the urinary area. They already ruled out a bladder infection from a urinary analysis. So..that leaves either Prostatitis, or one of those fucking liars gave me something I didn't want. Either way its just a few days of antibiotics and I'm back to normal. Doc is going to call me with the results and prescription later this week.
OMG...can anything else go wrong? Bring it!

Current Mood: irritated, pissed off
Sunday, January 12th, 2014
6:03 pm
Easy like a Sunday....afternoon...
Haven't really done much today. Haven't really wanted to do much today. I woke up at an unreasonable 5:30am. I really have no idea why, but that happened. So, I've been up for a very long time. Well...about 12 hours anyway. I guess I'm trying to make the most of my one day off. I'm dreading going back to that hell hole I call a job tomorrow. No..it has not gotten better since the last entry. Still retarded customers...still retarded managers. I'm done..just done. If only I had a job to go to...or I won the lottery. LOL.
I'm sitting at the local Starbucks. I didn't feel like sitting at home anymore. So, I'm sitting here listening to the dull drum of voices speaking of frivolities in the background. It amazes me sometimes how the human conversation goes. People really say a lot of words without really saying anything. I'm watching these three teenage girls siting on the couch near me. They are all on their cell phones passing pics back and forth and talking about the latest hot hunk as if the world depended upon their opinions.
Not to change the subject to terribly, but I just got a text from Jaret. Jason's dad passed away about an hour ago. Now, I'm sitting in Starbucks trying not to cry. Cancer has got to be THE worst disease in the world. If you've never seen someone actually dying from it, I don't recommend you seek it out. Watching someone slip into that blank, hallucination state where they are looking at something that isn't there and are looking at you as if you aren't there. It's the creepiest, saddest thing ever to see. Especially in someone you love and care for. For, at that moment, you know they are already gone. The body just needs to give up the ghost, as the saying goes. I feel for Jason. I feel it all too clearly. I didn't lose a father. I lost a best friend. I'm not sure how I will feel when I lose my father. He has never been and never will be a real father. Will I mourn? I know Jason had his quirky issues with his father, but I also know he loved him.
As a friend, I don't know what to do. His father JUST died. Do I try to call him? Do I text him? Do I send him a FB message? What can I say that will ease his pain right now? I'm torn. I don't want to be intrusive. This is family time for Jason.
This really puts things in perspective and makes light of anything else I was going to write earlier. Jason had the trump card today. It brings into sharp memory of almost 2 years ago. It's memories that I thought I had buried deep. It's as if it happened yesterday now. I find myself mourning Chris all over again. I find myself saying things like "why did you leave? You weren't supposed to leave". I can still see Chris's face in those final hours and imagine Jason's dad had a similar expression of shock, awe, and struck dumb. As if they're not really sure what to make of death walking into the room.
Anyway, speaking being struck dumb...I'm at a loss for words right now thinking about it. I'm going to go for now. TTFN.

Current Mood: gloomy
Wednesday, December 4th, 2013
9:26 pm
No good very bad day....
So, I could have stayed in bed this morning and have been perfectly content not to have to go through the daily shit storm I call a job. I am just extraordinarily, and possibly irrationally, pissed off right now. I am so sick to death of liars, cheaters and thieves...and I'm not just talking about the customers. But, the customers are the worst. I have heard every weak and fucked up excuse you can think of to why they can't pay their bill. What KILLS me is that Rent-a-Center has to be one of the easiest companies to work with. If you can't afford your payment, return the merchandise until you can afford it again and pick up where you left off. Simple. But, NOooooo... "My unemployment check got screwed up". "My bank didn't get my check deposited correctly", "My bank overdrew my account in error", "No...she's not home. I'm just the babysitter. I don't know anything about why she hasn't paid you in 22 days". Blah-blah-fuckity-blah-blah.
Then I have never worked for a company that didn't know whether it should scratch its watch or wind its ass. No one seems to know what the fuck is going on. Or..there's ONE person that knew what was supposed to happen but neglected to tell the people that had to do it. I am SICK of getting yelled at because I didn't do something I had no idea was even part of my job or scheduled for that day. They keep changing what I'm supposed to be responsible for and adding more responsibilities with no pay increase. How many jobs do I have to do for this piss poor pay rate. Gee, I can start making $11 an hour in like 4 years? How fucking generous.
I'm so fucking fed up with this place. I'm sick of being lied to. I'm sick of being yelled at. I'm sick of being threatened by termination if I don't do exactly everything they expect. Which is: Keep my route in good paying condition, Get at least 5 new deliveries a week, make sure that anyone who is 7 days or more past due get a home visit and a letter sent to them, clean and maintain the merchandise, deliver the merchandise to homes and make sure it's safe and gets to the customer without being damaged or damaging the customer's property, call everyone who is past due or due that day 3 times a day until they pay, call references of the customer if they are more than 7 days past due, maintain the show room floor so that it is clean and there are no holes to be filled by missing merchandise....I could go on...I could..I'm just depressing myself.
I'm just totally frustrated and done. Done with it all. I can barely survive on the money I make. After my recent car repairs and rent, I might have money to make it to Friday. I can't believe I work so hard and so many hours just to live like this. I need to find a new job ASAP. Working so many hours, doesn't make it easy to look or to interview. I'm hoping something happens and soon. I almost quit today. I can't do that. I need money to live. So, I have to find a replacement first. But, wow, was I close to just ripping that stupid fucking shirt off and leaving it at the front door of the store.
Venting done for now.

Current Mood: pissed off, angry, frustrated
Sunday, December 1st, 2013
10:39 pm
Just when you think things are getting better....
Okay, not so sure the drugs are working for me anymore. Or..things are becoming more stressful. Could be both. I'm not sure.
Either way, I'm not really feeling all that enthusiastic about life. I've been trying to find a new job (which I feel my current job is the majority of my issues), but the job search is not going well. Which leads me down a spiraling toilet drain of self doubt and deprecation. I feel like I should never have left school (thanks Dad). I'm embarrassed by the piece of shit car I have to drive and the fact that I can not afford another one. I'm angry that I have to work this job that I hate that maybe in 4 years I'll be up to $11 an hour. I can't get back to school working for this job because of the 50+ work weeks. I'm gaining weight since I'm so physically and mentally drained at night, all I do is eat and sleep. And...I hate my teeth. Yes, it's random and minor...but I hate my teeth right now.
So, I'm not feeling so hot about myself right now. I'm probably thinking too much. I wish I wasn't thinking at all. But, it is what it is. I thought writing about it was going to help, but really, it's not and it's just hard to put my thoughts into words right now. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Tah.

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
11:22 pm
okay..so it's been a few weeks.
So, things seem to be looking up for once. Not that anything specifically has changed. I'm pretty sure just I have changed. Thanks to a good healthy dose of Sertraline and counseling, I think I can say things are definitely looking like life is actually worth living.

I've been going out more. For those who do not really know me, that's a pretty amazing thing. I actually WANT to go out and do things. I almost need to. I've been going out even if it's by myself just to get out where people are. I sit at Starbucks and surf the net, or just sit and read. I've been calling friends to see if they want to meet me out for Karaoke. I even dragged my roommates out of the house over the weekend to go to the Johnny Appleseed Festival. It's so strange that I'm the one doing the dragging.

I've met an interesting fellow by the name of Jon. I met him randomly through my friend Scott out at the bar one evening. It was serendipity to even see Scott out. We had a great night of laughs and drinks. I've found myself inexplicably attracted to Jon. He's not even really my type. He's petite and a little bit effeminate. The biggest weird factor is that he's 21 years old. Yeah...creepy of me, I know. But, he's so much fun! The even weirder part is that he seems to want to hang out with me too. I'm really not sure what to make of it, or where it will go if anywhere. The cool thing is, for once, I don't care. I find myself just enjoying the moment and having fun.

I'm just getting over a bad cold. It's lasted almost 2 weeks. It was a pain in the butt. Glad it's almost over. I've actually lost some weight too. Not sure if it had anything to do with the cold or not. Was thinking maybe taking this medication caused it. I haven't had much of an appetite since I started it. I'm not really complaining to much, as I kind of like the way it looks. I mean, I can see my abs again. I haven't heard too many complaints from the guys that give me a look over either. I would like to muscle up a little bit though. I need more time to work out. There are only so many hours in a week and most of it is still taken up by work.

Had both doctor's appointments today. My medical doc says that all my blood work came back good (sugar, thyroid, red cell counts). He said my cholesterol was a little borderline (197). But, this is actually lower than when I was 18, so I'm not too worried about it. My cholesterol has always been considered "borderline" ever since it was important to follow those kinds of things. He is still relatively concerned with my abs. He still thinks that I'm really close to a hernia. He wants me to keep a close eye on it and work out my abs more to tighten up the area. Hmmmm...get rock hard abs to look hot AND save myself a hernia? Okay!

Well, tomorrow I have to be in court over a stupid medical bill I incurred from the dog bite 2 years ago. They're trying to garnish my wages, but the idiots don't have my employer right. So, it should be interesting. It's early in the morning, so I should be getting to bed. Good night all! TTFN.

Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, August 28th, 2013
1:56 pm
Doctors apts today..
So my first visit to my new general practitioner went well today. He said most everything looks good (weight, blood pressure, heart and lungs sound good). He was a little concerned about my abdomen. He said he felt bulging, but it wasn't major. He worried about someone my height and weight that I might be at the beginning stages of a hernia. He didn't seem to be too concerned about it as I haven't had any real pains in my groin. So, he told me just to keep an eye on it. He did a full blood work up to make sure all my levels are good (hormones, cholesterol, thyroid). He also put me on Sertraline, a generic version of Xoloft. Hope it helps. We'll see.

Went to see my grandparents after the doctors visit. It's always a rather one sided conversation. I could always tell them anything, and it's good to tell them what's going on even if they're not really listening. I really miss their good advice and caring guidance.

I have my psychologist appointment at 3:30. Not sure how much progress I've been making, but I'm not going to quit now. I did have a small revelation last time. He helped me realize that a lot of that inner voice of mine that tells me I'm not worth it, or that I can't do it, comes from my father. I'm not really one to point fingers at other people for my problems, but this time I think there might be something to that. Growing up, and even into my adulthood, my father has never been one for praise of my accomplishments. No matter how hard I worked, or no matter how hard I tried to please him and do exactly as he said, it was NEVER good enough. I still have that voice in my head. I can work really hard and try to better my life but there's always that voice that says "you're not doing it well enough" or "best not to try, you'll fail because you can't do anything right". The only question left is how do I unlearn a behavior I've developed over nearly 40 years? *facepalm*

Well, it's getting about time for my psychologist appointment. I should probably eat something before I go. My sugar level nearly crashed a few sessions ago and had to run to the nearest gas station for something quick. So, best to eat before I go. Until next time...TTFN!

Current Mood: Meh
Sunday, August 25th, 2013
7:26 pm
Update continues, with more recent.
So, I'll get to updating my past here in a second. Just thought I'd talk about more recent events, as if I keep updating my distant past, I'll be doing that forever.

ANYHOO...I decided to go out last night. It's been forever since I've been out and thought I needed to feel like I actually had a life. Welp...turns out that it was a bad idea. I spent the entire evening pretty much talking to myself. There wasn't anyone there I knew (or wanted to know). After 3 drinks, I decided to just call it a night. I was just too depressed. Funny how going out to do the opposite of what has caused you to not have a life can bring into sharp focus how little of a life you have.

Well, enough of the fucking boo hoo shit. So, like I was saying earlier, my last boyfriend was Jason and we were friends before we had decided to date. To be specific, HE decided to date. He brought it up one evening. Just came right out and said that he wanted to date me. I told him that I thought it would be weird, but I agreed that I would try. So, we dated and had a pretty good time. In a lot of ways he's like the perfect boyfriend for me. We have a lot of the same interests. I loved hanging out with him. I think what happened was that it just moved too fast. He jumped into the relationship with both feet. I guess I realized he was more into the relationship that I was when he first called me his boyfriend to someone. It bothered me. I hadn't really gotten myself to that point yet. I still felt like really good friends with him. Almost brotherly. Which is another reason why intimacy was a bit difficult. I know some people get kinky thrills off the idea of incest...but turns out it's not as much fun as it sounds. So...on top of my growing depression, I'm dealing with attempting to maintain a relationship that LITERALLY is taking every moment of my free time each week. I could barely handle my life let alone keeping this going knowing he felt more for me than I did for him and not wanting to hurt him. So...me being me, I just started throwing up walls like a hyper beaver. Of course, this still hurt him as I became increasingly withdrawn. It came to a head the night of Pride Fest. I was already pissed off that I've missed most of the festivals over the summer because of my piece of shit job. I got home and was getting ready to go. As I was getting ready, I kept getting messages from everyone else that WAS going to be down there that they weren't going. The usual excuse was "I was there last night and don't feel like going". How nice. I had to fucking work for 10 hours "yesterday" and COULDN'T go. Now no one wants to go. Can you tell I was just a wee bit pissed? So, anyway, when Jason came in I was pretty much in a bad mood. We...or rather I...decided not to go to Pride. I had told everyone that as far as I was concerned, we could just order pizza and call it a night. We did, and ate. Later that night Jason had said we needed to talk. So, I got an earful about how I'm emotionally unavailable, selfish, and need professional help. Needless to say, we broke up.
Well, I thought we broke up. Turns out that a couple days later somehow someone told him that I said we broke up. Got a nice text message about how it was news to him. So, later that evening when I WASN'T at work trying to get shit done, I called him. We had a really nice drag out/knock out fight over the phone. Yeah, we broke up then. We've since worked out a lot of shit through texts. But, since I haven't heard from him in about 4 weeks, I'm guessing our friendship might be over too. WHICH is one of the reasons I didn't want to date him in the first place, thank you very much. FML.

Anyway, so I'm pretty much done dating. Soooooo done. I'll just stay single the rest of my life. Works for me. It's hard to type and watch Archer at the same time. So, I'm going to go for the night. TTFN

Current Mood: depressed
Friday, August 23rd, 2013
11:37 pm
My so called love life...
Okay, last night I said that I would discuss my love life tonight. And, so I shall...as much as I can recall anyway.
So, I didn't really start dating for the first few months after returning to Indiana. I had met a man named Misha out at the bar one night. Actually, I met several people that night. I had started a conversation with an elderly man while sitting there. I was enjoying the conversation and we went out to the patio for a cigarette. Outside he got WAY to close for comfort. He got rather "grabby". By then the bar had started to hop so there were people around. I looked over to a group who were obviously seeing my discomfort. When the guy leaned in again, I mouthed the words "HELP...ME" to the nearest person in the group. He laughed and fairly skipped over to me yelling "Heeey! I haven't seen you in FOR-Ever!" He threw his arms around me and we embraced. "I know! It's been ages!" I exclaimed. He chortled and said "Aren't you drinking? Let me get you a drink!". "Sure! Sounds great!" I laughed and excused myself from Mr. McGrabby.

Turns out the my savior that night was name David. Nice guy and we've been bar buddies ever since. In the commotion, there was another person there. This was Misha. Misha was an out-of-towner. He was from Houston Texas and was in town for a month to guest teach at the local Ballet School. He was originally from Yugoslavia (or the republic of whatever it's called now). But, he called it Yugoslavia. He was lean, dark, and quite handsome. We started hanging out and going to dinner together. He was very charming and educated and that thrilled me. There must have been a cultural difference in courting because we would end up arguing over something stupid that was said and then he would make these HUGE leaps and say that I must have found someone else. This would infuriate me. But, then he would call and we would talk and work it out. It would go this way, off and on. We would have a great time, then we'd fight. We had only been seeing each other for 3 1/2 weeks while he was here when he asked me to move to Houston with him. "ahh..WHAAAAA??" I turned him down. I wasn't ready. I couldn't just leave everything here on the CHANCE things might work out with him in Houston. It was too big of a risk. He took it...poorly. He kept calling and calling and calling and calling. It got to the point where I told him to stop calling me and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Sometimes I still wonder "what if...", but then I think how it could have gone horribly wrong.

A few months pass and I'm out at the bar again just chilling. This guy comes over to me and says "Hey. I just wanted to come over and tell you that I think you're a really handsome guy"..."Uhh..thanks" was my shocked reply. He was pretty good looking and was taken aback. "Well, you have a great evening" he said and walked off. Weird...but okay. About a half an hour later another guy comes up to me and tells me that he's really good friends with the guy who came up to compliment me and that his friend is really shy. He said I should go talk to him. I was just in that kind of mood, so I did. We hit it off really well. I found out on our 3rd date that he was HIV+. This scared me a little, but it didn't deter me. It wasn't a deal breaker. He worked odd hours, so I was really only able to see him on Wednesdays and Sundays. He wanted to move slow...which I thought was fine. Until around 3 months of dating, it still felt like we weren't really going anywhere. Things got kind of emotionally rocky between us. I think I was pressuring him too much, or I wanted us to be something we weren't. Either way, after 4 months we called it quits. I was out one evening when someone came up to me and said "Why don't you just leave Jaret alone?". Like I was stalking him or something, and I hadn't seen him or spoke to him in a month at that time. So, I had decided to just leave him completely alone if he was going to spread rumors like that. It was over a year before I spoke to him again. It was a mistake. We ran into each other and I had drank just enough to confront him about it. Turns out he had no idea what I was talking about. Longer story short...yeah...it's THAT Jaret. We're best friends and he's my roommate now. He's the one guy that I worry the most about hurting when I get depressed like this. I'd never be able to date him again, but the thought of him not in my life scares me to death.

Well, let's see...after Jaret and I dated, there were a string of unfortunate dating experiences that lasted from one date to only about a month. Most of which I can't remember their names. Then I started to date Jason. Jason had dated Jaret during the time I avoided Jaret...but, that's another story. We were all friends. But, you know what? I'm getting tired of writing. Jason is still very fresh in my mind since we just stopped dating a few weeks ago. I'll talk about him next time. I'm pretty tired now so I'm going to go to sleep (or try). I have to be at work at 8:30am tomorrow anyway. It's Saturday, our early day. So, night all! TTFN!

Current Mood: depressed
12:11 am
Okay, Day 2 of my come-back tour.
So, let's start from the beginning. Rather, let's start at the beginning when my life was altered so radically it could be considered a start. When I moved back from Chicago, I lived with my Mum and Step-Father for a time. After all, I didn't have anything or anywhere else to go. I was still collecting unemployment and my possessions fit in half of a small u-haul. One my oldest friends, Tracy, offered me a room at her home until I could get on my feet, so I gladly accepted. It was great for a time. I would spend my days looking for a job and helping out around the house. She was even kind enough to loan me money to buy a car. It's a piece of shit car (still) and it didn't cost much. I was able to pay her back quickly just with my unemployment money. However, the job search and failures started to take their toll on me. I became increasingly depressed at my situation and that took a toll on Tracy and Eric. They were starting to struggle with money a little, and my added negativity drove them to ask me to move back with my mother.

So, packing up, I moved back with my mother. I would like to preface this next part by saying the I love my mother. I love her for everything she is and does. But, living under my parent's roof again at 36 was a lot to take. I felt I constantly was living by their rules and their schedule. I could barely stand it. Add the fact that my step-father kept dropping not so subtle hints that he felt that I wasn't looking for a job hard enough...it was enough to drive me mad. Even when I got a job, it was only part time starting out and I couldn't move out right away.

I was given the opportunity to move out when a guy I knew from the bar said he was looking for a roommate. I jumped on it. I won't spend a lot of time on this part because it didn't last very long. He had another roommate that lived there that was a complete bitch. It wasn't her house, but she kept insisting on telling everyone what to do. She even went so far as to post a chore chart on the refrigerator assigning duties. I found incredible insult in this as I was already taking care of my messes as well as everyone else's. I blew up at her and was asked to leave because he "wasn't going to get in the middle of it". Whatevs.

So, I got online and found a guy that was looking for a roommate. It was a good price and a good location. He was straight, but had no problems with me being gay. He had several other gay friends and even went out to the bar with me and a few of my other friends. We didn't really have a lot in common, but we cohabited fairly well. It wasn't long before my great friend, Chris was looking to move and asked to rent the other free room from Brian. He moved in and it was great. We had dinners, friends, and laughed a lot. We would have PS3 nights and roll over laughing at Archer.

It was about 5 months into this living situation that something was going wrong with Chris. He kept getting sick and it just didn't seem like he was getting any better at all. One day he announced he was going to spend a long weekend at his parents so he could be pampered back to health by his mother for a little while. When he was there, they decided to go to the local hospital to get some answers to why he wasn't getting better. What they found out changed everything. They rushed him to the larger hospital in town, because they found that his white blood cell count was extremely elevated...a sign of cancer. They ran test after test and determined that it was a form of leukemia. They sent those tests to Mayo who sent a reply back that they should run more tests, because they saw something else. What they then found was stage 5 esophageal cancer...terminal. They estimated that he had 6 months to live. He went to Hospice to get loaded with pain medication and never left. He didn't last 3 weeks. My world was in upheaval. He had become such a part of my life...such an influence on me. The sudden loss of him is still felt today. I literally think of him every single day...something I wish I could tell him...something I wish I could share with him...I see something or hear something that I just know he would have loved.

I had to move again. I couldn't stay in that house with the room across from mine being empty. I couldn't stand not to hear him laughing at something or cussing out the PS3 because he was stuck at some point in a game. I was looking for another place when my friend, Jaret, offered to rent one of his spare rooms to me. I gladly accepted. It was a safe haven among friends. Since then, Chad had joined us. I didn't know Chad before, but he was a friend of Jaret's. We have since become friends and the living situation is pretty good. We tend to do our own things. I've been pretty much sequestering myself to my room lately though. I've had enough friends tell me they're getting fed up with my depression and negativity. I figure it's better to ask for forgiveness for avoidance than for bringing everyone else down.

So, thus it goes...sunrise, sunset. This is my living situation and what has come before. I covered pretty much my work situation in the last entry and living conditions in this one. I should probably cover my love life in the next one...or lack there of. LOL. As my psychologist says "There are 4 fundamental parts of life that bring happiness: Work, Love, Family, and Social". He thinks I'm lacking in most of these areas. LOL. Figures. So, until next time, True Believers...TTFN!

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
11:55 pm
So...Boredom is a bitch. I've been bored before, but srsly...WOW. Cabin Fever + Boredom + No Job + Nothing on Television + Joe being gone for a week = Yeah...insane me. I wish there was at least something interesting to do other than sending out my millionth resume, or watching the same re-run program for the hundredth time, or playing video games that frustrate me because I can't get past a certain part. *grumble mumble grumble*

On the plus side, we did have a kick ass storm come through. I know, I'm crazy. What's so great about a storm? Well, first of all, it means that spring is on its way. Second, the lightning and thunder were awesome! Hey, I take my entertainment where I can get it.

Well, I'm getting peckish. Yes, yes..I know it's 12:04 in the morning. But, I slept a lot today. And, I only ate a bowl of ramen noodles and a bowl of new england clam chowder. "Sayyy Chowdah" :) Sorry. So, I'm off to see what cheap, insignificant, filler snack I can come up with. Tah!

Current Mood: hungry
Monday, April 7th, 2008
3:40 am
Well, in review of my last entry, unfortunately, I did not get that job. They said they wanted someone who didn't come from a Corporate environment. Which leads me to say..."WTF?". The ONLY corporate environment experience that I have is Hewitt. EVERY OTHER job I've had was from a family owned, small business. They said that they had some "personality issues" with the last person who came from a corporate environment. What I THINK they meant to say was "He's a guy. We don't want a guy". *shrugs his shoulders and moves on with his life*

Not much new going on since then. Had a couple a nibbles here and there regarding a job, but they were only teases. A couple of temp agencies saying they need me, but then really not. It's all frustrating really. I'm getting cabin fever like nothing else, and the wallet is getting thin. It's too bad I can't wish a job into existence, or fold my arms and blink with a nod of the head and have one magically appear.

It's been a sleepless night again. One of what seem like thousands I've had since being unemployed. You get an interesting perspective on television that way. Did you know that most networks show the same show twice in one day; at LEAST twice? It gets quite annoying, actually. I don't know how many times I can watch re-run after re-run of the same stupid shows.

I've been playing The Godfather video game on XBox360. Interestingly, it's highly entertaining. It really grabs you and makes you feel like you're really doing something for "the family". *grin* Of course, I don't know how good it is to actually feel satisfaction in killing your mark, or bullying store owners into paying you for protection. All the same, I am enjoying it. I just have to remember to keep the cops and FBI agents paid up or else I'm in BIG trouble. LOL.

Currently, I'm half ass watching Advent Children, only because it's the only thing I could find that I feel is half way entertaining at 3am. No one is on Second Life at this hour, so that gets boring just poofing around sims and window shopping. I spent most of today playing Godfather, so I really need a break. Don't need to be dreaming about it. LOL. So, of course, I decided to come here. It has been awhile, and lassarina told me I should be on LJ more. LOL.

But, there's not much more to tell at the moment. Which is kind of sad in a way, as I then won't know what to do with myself once I stop writing. Maybe I WILL jump back on Godfather...or not...who knows. At this point, I might as well not even try to sleep. I have to move the car before 8am or it will be towed. So, I'll go out around 5:30 or 6am when people start leaving for work. That way, I'll find a good close spot that it can remain for the duration. Well, TTFN.

Current Mood: apathetic
Friday, November 2nd, 2007
2:07 pm
The Train Keeps on a Chuggin'
Well, after 3 months of unemployment...going on 4, but who's counting...I seem to be nearing the end. Well, one can certainly hope. I've been interviewing with a company called Stonepeak Ceramics. They have an office right down on Superior so it's just a train ride away. I love the idea of it. It's still customer service, however, I would be working with a specific list of clients/showrooms that I would be speaking with on a regular basis. I would not have to deal with Joe-Shmo off the street calling to buy tile. It sounds like an interesting job. It pays about the same that I was making when I left Hewitt. Plus, being right downtown, I should have the opportunity to go to night school and finish up a degree! Wouldn't that be awesome!

Not much else going on. Spending WAY too much time in Second Life. But, I have developed a rather lucrative business selling outfits in there. Hahaha. It maintains my account anyway. And, I've been trying to keep myself busy with the domestics. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, it sure makes me feel like a housewife sometimes. hahaha.

Dad came up to visit me a couple weeks ago. It was a comedy of errors to say the least. We had a really fun time together, but it just seemed that everything was working against us. We had started out the weekend at the Signature Room for brunch. Which was a wonderful time. I don't remember the last time I saw Dad laugh like that. Then we decided to go to Water Tower Plaza to do some window shopping. I, of course, wanted to take a peak into Ambercrombie just to see what the fall styles were.
So we were looking around in there, and I happened to glance a very cool fall coat that was really nice. Dad said, "Why don't you try it on?". So, I took off my blazer that I was wearing and set it on the chair next to the display, and walked over to the mirror to see how the coat looked on me. Dad sidled up along side me with my blazer in his hand and said "Why don't you let me get that for you as a 'Bad Boy Gift'". I laughed and agreed.
When we had finished going through the checkout line, I reached into my blazer pocket to realize that my phone and card holder were missing. So, I ran back to the chair where I had placed my blazer and there was nothing there. A gentleman addressed us saying "Was that your IPhone and Case?" We told him yes, and he told us the story of how he found it and thought it was someone else's, but they said it wasn't their's and they had turned it into the cashiers. I ran up to the cashiers to ask them about the objects and the replied that someone had just come up there to claim those very items! I was astounded! Someone had been watching the entire scene and took the opportunity to steal my phone and my cards. Of course, nothing ever came of finding them.
Dad said that he didn't want this to ruin our weekend, so we took action right away. We got the phone shut off, and I had canceled my cards right away using Dad's cell phone. I must give thanks to the Concierge at Dad's hotel for helping us retrieve the numbers we needed to get all this done. Then Dad was gracious enough to immediately buy me a new phone. Which, was incredibly awesome of him.
The day continued with us only occasionally bringing up the recent misfortune to talk about what nerve that person had in doing that. We parted company for the evening knowing that the next day we would be going down to the Museum of Science and Industry.
Well, the next day when we had met, we decided to find a place to eat. We first thought of down by Dad's hotel which turned up nothing available. Then we thought their might be something down by the museum, however there was NOTHING within walking distance. Actually, there wasn't anything for miles! We started driving through some of the dodgiest neighborhoods Chicago has to offer. We kept driving north trying to find a safe harbor to eat. We ended up clear back north by where my apartment is. So, after 2 hours of driving we decided maybe we'll just eat and call it a weekend. And, we had made a pact over breakfast to always start our weekends from now on at that very same restaurant so as not to run into a problem like that again.

All in all, like I said, it was an enjoyable weekend. However, with nothing turning out as planned, it seemed to take a lot out of us both.

Well, I'm off. I have some errands to run today and it's already getting late. I'm going to make my promise again that I will write more very soon, but as you can see, I'm not very good at keeping that promise. TTFN!

Current Mood: anxious
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
3:24 pm
A lot can happen in 3 months
Well, it's been awhile since I posted anything here. But, it looks like I'm going to have some time on my hands now. I was fired from Hewitt yesterday. Not the way I imagined my grand exit from hell. The thing is, I had been doing better lately. Which is why it seems to annoy me more now than usual. But, what can I do? Not a whole hell of a lot.

They said I had quality issues. They had put me on what they call an "Improvement Plan" a few months back. It was because they felt my "tone" lacked a helpful sound. This was all corrected for awhile until they started griping at me about my attendance, which annoyed me to no end, because they would never let me have the time off when I needed it! So, inevitably my tone probably went south due to my annoyance. However, I snapped out of it well enough. Until last week, evidently, when this woman called in who wanted a Hardship Withdrawal for a hearing aid. Well, I couldn't even see what she had available because she didn't have her password. I tried to explain to her the situation and even went through alternate security to try and change her password that day. All of which failed. Well, evidently, I didn't help her ENOUGH. I COULD have offered to overnight her a password; I COULD have offered more empathy. Forget the fact that it takes an act of God usually to get a PIN overnighted to someone, so I wasn't immediately thinking along those lines.

Well, as it turns out, this person went to their employer and told them that I was completely unhelpful and rude. I listened to the call. It wasn't NEARLY as bad as they made it seem. However the damage was done, she went to the client. And, they counted that as continued bad counseling on my part and decided to let me go. What the fuck ever. I can have 1000 great calls to every 1 that would be considered bad, and they focus on the bad. I'm sorry. I AM human..at least that's what I'm told. Evidently they figured they were hiring a robot. Some automaton that knows exactly what to do and say for every situation.

Granted, I didn't like the job. I found it to be completely wrong for me. I was starting to find my groove in the job though. I was starting to find ways I can be helpful to the team and to teach areas that weren't very well known. But, that's all done now.

I hope that I will be able to find a job quickly. However, today (the first day of my unemployed life), I am not very motivated to look. I did file for unemployment today. Hopefully that will help. I'm not even actually sure how the whole thing works...but, I'm sure I'll learn fast if I want some sort of income. Luckily, Joe's job is going gang-busters and is in absolutely no danger of losing his job. They love him like he is nontarnishable. So, I'm sure it will stay that way for a good long time. At least we have his income. We just won't have as many amenities as we used to for awhile.

So, on that note, I'll bid a fond farewell for now. I'll definitely have time on my hands to keep track of my silly life here. So TTFN!

Current Mood: annoyed
Monday, May 7th, 2007
3:50 pm
Simply Annoyed
*Sigh* So...I'm bummed. My "prospects" that would be my salvation from the hellish damnation that is Hewitt all fell through. So, I have no prospects on the horizon anymore, and things are looking bleak. Probably a little more bleak than they actually are. But, then, when you're bummed not much seems optimistic about anything. Optimism was never my strong suit anyway.

Fun stuff...I've been getting really bad headaches frequently. I would call them migraines simply from the fact that they make me nauseous, light sensitive, and sound sensitive. I've never really had them in any sort of frequency in my life, so I can't give an experts diagnosis. So, I'll just call them really bad headaches for now. We'll see what comes of them after this week. Stress makes the world-go-round. Actually, I think it's strictly a United States/American thing to work this damn hard. But, who am I?

So, feeling quite annoyed and miffed at life right now. Manager is giving me grief left and right because she likes to micro-manage the blessed life out of me. I can't fart in the wind without her making some sort of remark asking me to provide her with reasons why I did it and what I'm going to put into place so that it doesn't happen again. God, I hate that shit.

Well, it's ALMOST time to go home. Not quite, but close enough to be inching towards the door to see if I can beat my latest record on sprinting out of here. 2.2 MINUTES BABY! I wonder if I can shave some time off if I don't wait for the elevator and just leap down flights of stairs? I'll have to see.
Well, TTFN!

Current Mood: irritated
Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
10:31 am
Simply Bored...
So work wasn't terribly busy to today. It wasn't comfortably slow either. Then the people who called were usually grumpy and stupid. But, what else is new. :P Is it possible to get bored with the routine of the same types of questions asked of you every day? I suppose so. Even when the fact that none of them are appreciative of your help, and some of them down right insist that you don't know what you're talking about. But, it was more of a rhetorical question as the answer is obviously yes. Well, why else would I be bored if the answer were no? Logical, nes pa?

So, Not much new going on around here. Need to figure out how to keep silly kitty off of me when I'm trying to sleep. Might as well try and keep Mars from moving another inch around the sun. That, of course, is assuming that martians use the American Standard of measurement. And, I'm sure they do. But, the cat can't just lie down. He FLOPS down. Standing...BOOM...lying down. That tends to wake me up when he's trying to get comfy on my bed. (Have I mentioned that we got a new cat on LJ yet?) I don't remember. Anyway, we got rid of the Spawn of Satan cat that once terrorized our household. We ended up purchasing a new cat that LOVES to be loved. And I love the fact that he loves to be loved. No more trying to figure out if the cat is under the furniture waiting to attack our legs as we walk by. But, yes, to come full circle, our new lovable cat keeps waking me up at night which means that I'm becoming Zombie Asoniel! :D

So, I'm finally starting to make a name for myself in Second Life, or so it would seem. Took long enough, but I think people are starting actually understand that "oh! Asoniel DOES have talent". But, I've been working on some clothes, and making some new buildings. It seems like people like what I can do. They just aren't in a hurry to give me many chances. Wow...When Second Life matches Real Life! Great title.

Anyway, I'm just babbling here because I'm bored and don't feel like doing anything actually productive. Productivity sucks when you hate your job. Oh..and reading back a few entries ago..."yeah yeah..I know..". I said that I was going to be more positive. Well, I tried it and didn't like it. I'm a much better person when I'm cynical. Being positive too long only makes me feel diabetic from the sweetness and makes my face hurt from the muscles that aren't used very often. So...Up Yers.
I think I'm going to try this approach for awhile. At least it's easier to lean back and just laugh about how stupid life is a lot of the time. People take this crap WAY too seriously. Sometimes I wonder how hard God is laughing at us right now.

Anyway, I'm off. Gotta run. I'll be on Second Life working on some fun stuff for tomorrow's big Springboard to Summer event! Tah!

Current Mood: lethargic
Thursday, April 19th, 2007
1:55 pm
Random Updates from my life
Ok...so it has been, well, let's just say a long time since I update. Not that I know many, if any people actually read this. LOL.
Plus, my updates will take all of 2 minutes to type as nothing really happens.
New Games Playing:
Final Fantasy VI Advance
Puzzle Quest
SingStar Pop
Guitar Hero

So, fun stuff in the department of games.

Working earnestly on getting the hell out of Hewitt as the only bright side of my days is talking and having fun with Meglet. The rest of my days are spent talking with people who obviously should not invest in 401k plans. Well, if you don't know what it is or how it works, why would you put your money in it? "Well, duh...because everyone else does and they all tell me I should". One word...Baaaaaahhhh. We sure are like sheep aren't we?

But, it does sound like there are a couple prospects on the horizon that will help out in regards to my loathing of Hewitt. Not sure exactly where they are as I haven't heard from them. But, am anxious and excited at the possibilities.

Otherwise, not much new going on. I've still been bopping around Second Life as Asoniel Komachi, the now Hottie Beach Bum / Neko. LOL. Traci Su and I have been building a new place we've dubbed "Break of Dawn-Where Bright Lights and Angels Meet". Loosely based on lyrics by Paolo Nutini's song "New Shoes". Well, Traci bought the land and just had me build her, Ross and me houses of our own. I also took the liberty of building a pool, Dance club and a Shop to sell my clothing designs. It's been a lot of fun, and we'll definitely have a lot of fun there.

So, that's all the updates I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll be bored or frustrated enough to keep writing for awhile. Tah!

Current Mood: cynical
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
3:34 pm
So...I'm working on having a more positive outlook on my situation. Ok...I'm POSITIVE I hate my job. LOL...nah..I only said that because that's what most people would expect me to say. I've decided that instead of looking at this job negatively, I'm going to focus my energy on the positive aspects of a new job. I figure by doing this a couple things will be accomplished. The first, being that I stop thinking about thiw wretched job. And two, I will be motivated to take action in changing my situation by thinking on the positives of leaving. So, no more talking about how annoyed and jaded I have become. I'm all about the positive outlook Baby!

Heck..If I can quit smoking (almost), then this should be a piece of cake. One would hope anyway.

*sigh*...on a side note, Sometimes tracking down one person at an entire Bank is darn near impossible. But, then when you find the right branch, they are out on PTO until Monday. Loverly.

On that note...my brain all fried and I'm going to go hide.

Current Mood: drained
Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
4:02 pm
The More You Know..
I feel like a walking Public Service Announcement for Anti-Smoking. "This is your body....This is your body going through Nicotine withdrawal". I hate it. I'm going to quit smoking now just to spite the money grubbing, nicotine inducing, lying cigarette companies. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that it would have been this hard. I still want a cigarette, even though this Smoke Away stuff is making the cigarettes taste like Shit! I think it was pretty smart of the Smoke Away people to have this stuff do that. I mean..it isn't enjoyable anymore to smoke..just doing it out of habit....and addiction.

So..I've also had a couple new years revelations. One being that I really hate my job. No no no...I know, I've said it before. What I'm saying is that never in my life has there ever been a more vial, retched thing to do than to get up in the morning and come here to listen to people whine and complain about how they over contributed to their 401k plan and how it's OUR responsibility to make sure that the money is taken back out so they don't have penalties to pay. UM....I'm sorry. No sympathy...good bye. Do you know how much money you have to make to OVER contribute to a 401k plan? Awwww..Poor me! I make MILLIONS of dollars. Grrr.

I used to care...I did. I used to be able to come to work and genuinely want to help these people with there problems. Make them go away and be their hero for 15 minutes at a time. Thousands of complaints, Millions of Mistakes made by the plan, and Hundreds of Thousands of lack of support from the team later, I'm done. Stick a fork in me. Who cares. I'm helping them now to get them to STFU.

I'm such a chipper little guy, aren't I? I know. I don't want to sound down all the time. And I'm sure people get sick of hearing it. Hehe. I should learn to get inspired to write by my Happy moods instead of my darker ones. Yay! Life's peachy! Everything is going so well! Maybe I buy into Mass Media mentality. Tragedy sells.

Well...I've gotten more wonderful news from the home front while I've been typing this. (i.e. more work for me) So..I have to go. I'm going to go hide in the bathroom or something for the last half hour of my day. Buh bye.

Current Mood: bitchy
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
4:17 pm
I Picked a FINE TIME To QUIT....
Smoking that is. Oy! My brain is all squishy and not exactly cohesive by any stretch of the imagination so bare with me. So, we're thinking what a marvelous idea to be able to quit smoking for our #1 New Years resolution. We buy 3 packs of Smoke Away (aid to quit smoking...duh) and decide that January second is the cut off date.
Weeeeeelllllllllll....perhaps not. Ok..I HAVE gone down from 20+ Cigs a day to having only 2 today. Which is good and bad and good and bad. LOL. Kind of like my mood swings when I want a cigarette. But, they've got this homeopathic supliment that you're supposed to take when the withdrawls get too bad. How much is too much of this stuff? LOL...I mean...seriously..it ain't candy.
So, the lesson for today boys and girls is....DON'T SMOKE! Don't start...don't take one puff. The tobacco companies are EVIL! Ok..I understand the whole idea that I did this to myself with the full knowledge that Nicotine is addictive. Duh..everyone knows that. Weellll...almost. The problem with addictions and the problem with drugs is that you WANT THEM! You want to have one, and another, and it helps you get over the excuses to quit. "One more couldn't hurt". ADDICTION-The act of not being able to quit something despite overwhelming evidence that it's not good for you. :P
Ok..I'm done ranting and raving....for now.....it's good therapy. :D
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
4:30 pm
So, I'm sitting at work and wishing and praying that I could just go home. It's raining, and it's going to get cold, and it just makes me want to curl up under a fluffy blanket on the couch. But, alas, I am here counting down the minutes until I have a meeting with the client about their introduction of the Roth401(k) option. I'm trying to figure out my strategy of attack so that I don't fall asleep during the meeting and make a complete fool of myself. TWO HOURS! *sigh and grumble*
So...update more later..gotta run.
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